First Rains

Posted on March 5, 2018


2018 has been spectacular for me– opening up to a new romance has been so many things. I’ve been dating my special person for over 8 weeks now.


I have not spoken about it with many people. Usually, I talk people’s ears off when I  first start dating someone new. I want to talk about who they are, what they do, how they look, what they like or don’t like. I am ready to throw a barrage of too much information if you meet me in the first few weeks.


There are so many exciting things about new loves. I read this article once that says when people are newly in love, they are basically high. The ways in which their minds and bodies respond to the new setting is similar to how it responds to doing drugs.


It’s exciting to focus on this thrill but there are also other factors brewing in the background.


I talk a lot about unlearning bad habits I picked up from exes, with friends. There are perceptions and reactions that stem from former relationships that try to rear their heads up in new ones.


I remember using the silent treatment to punish an ex because, in my last relationship, my girlfriend had used it. I liked to hash out our problems or issues and when she didn’t want to deal with me, she would ignore me for hours and then come back with a new topic of discussion. I would be so grateful she was finally speaking to me and completely drop the issue and try to move on even if I wasn’t ready.


I took this abusive behaviour into my next relationship. I knew it was wrong but I had survived it. Maybe, all issues aren’t meant to be discussed. I didn’t realize it until the person I was dating pointed out how demeaning the silent treatment was.


There are other things too that we take from past experiences. Being unable to trust your feelings or other people’s intentions towards you because you’ve been hurt in the past is one I’m dealing with. For the most part of late last year and early this year, I have been struggling with forgiving myself for the horrible relationship I ended. It’s getting better but I still blame myself for allowing her into my life against my better judgment. I am very much a person who works with instinct and feelings and I ignored many warning bells.
The thinking that I am working to shake off is that since I basically failed myself, how do I trust myself again?
How is it OK to say to close friends and family, hey there is someone new, it was unexpected and she is everything I want and more when I just failed so miserably a few months ago?


I think of this struggle conceptually and practically. The intersection is my awareness that all relationships have to be nurtured and what you nurture them with determines how they blossom. I don’t want to nurture my new relationship with self-doubt, doubt, shame, and other ghosts of the past.


The plan is to counter my doubts with acts of vulnerability. What is that thing that I’m so afraid of? Do it! Meditation has also been suggested but I haven’t tried it yet.  My special person sent me a forgiveness meditation session and it’s sitting in my inbox. Maybe I’m not quite ready to let go. But, I am grateful for the awareness I have surrounding this.


Do you have any other suggestions for consciously unlearning or shaking off negativity from old experiences?
Posted in: LGBT Nigeria, Opinion