‘Just Another Fucked Up Lesbian’

Posted on July 24, 2012

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 Written by my friend Anisoj who is currently contemplating her status as a newly single woman and time spent going around town on the rebound

“You’re just another fucked up lesbian,” she said jokingly. On one hand, as someone who only came out last year, I was happy to be seen as part of the club.

On the other hand, I was alarmed. Was I becoming that person that acts in really destructive ways and then blamed it on a previous relationship? ‘Oh I’m just so fucked up right now’, ‘My ex was a real bitch’ ‘I’m not in control of what I’m doing’ etc etc.

I’ve had it done to me. I didn’t like it. I’ve thought ‘what kind of asshole can’t take responsibility for their actions?’ but also ‘how evil was their last ex to cause this lovely person to be so damaged?’

Some context, I’d recently had a nasty break up after a year and a half together. Three months of being unhappy, where the girlfriend was acting distant and shitty. I thought it was either for no reason or my fault, but I found out she had a new playmate and couldn’t decide which one of us was her favourite. Unsurprisingly, we’re no longer on good terms. I’m pretty sure she blames either me or her cheating exes for her behaviour.

Newly single, I’m out with friends a lot more (including the lovely dykeroad author) and have met some wonderful girls. And there’s been times where I’m apologising for being emotionally unavailable, using the ‘fucked up breakup’ defence.

It’s OK to feel like I do, numb, angry, distrustful. It’s not OK to expect someone else to absorb my hurt. Maybe it’s too soon for me to honour someone else’s needs. Well, till I’ve processed my parasitical ex’s lyin’, cheatin’ immaturity. (And her pathetic attempt to bury the hatchet and be friends by giving me a fucking jar of peanut butter).

It was smooth sunpat and I like crunchy and organic!!

So, I’ve decided not to be that person. Because it’s cyclical. We’ve all got a rubbish ex who we can blame for us acting like dicks to someone else. But we shouldn’t. Take a step back, don’t inflict your hurt on the next woman you meet. In the words of Jerry Springer, we have a responsibility to take care of the women we fuck. And ourselves.

I will be celibate and reflect on the relationship and my own behaviours until I feel capable of honouring the future women in my bed. Whoever the woman is, she deserves my respect and full attention. Regardless of the headache I got from the last one.

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